Why Don’t You… Lie On Your Resume?

And I don’t just mean on your actual resume, although that is a good idea too. I’m talking about embellishing your list of credentials generally. We live in a world where lying is considered ‘bad’. Let’s reconsider this. A little bit of white lying never hurt anyone, but it did help lots of individuals get better jobs, more money and more respect, albeit based on false premises.

When I get away with embellishing my resume

Recently I was hired as a debating coach. I’m not sure if you know about debating coaching, but it is a profession that is exorbitantly overpaid. Basically it’s a job that private school kids get when they are at uni so that they feel less guilty when taxi drivers driving them home to Vaucluse ask whether they work or not. Now I have joined them. The difference between me and most of these other coaches, though, is not our social background (for yes, I too went to a private school- surprise, surprise), but the fact that they are all actually good at debating, whereas I am pretty shit.

When someone says that lying simply to get stuff is morally wrong
When someone says that lying simply to get stuff is morally wrong

I was good at debating in Year Eight. A real talent, they called me. A kid with a lot of potential. Year Eight was the apex of that potential and it’s realisation. So when I got a call from the debating coordinator at my school, asking what experience I had in debating, I told her I had plenty. For example, I said:

1. “I won the Independent Schools’ Debating Association competition as third speaker”.

The truth? I did win. In Year Eight.

2. “I have debated in numerous debating competitions in my time at Sydney Uni”.

In reality? I have been to two Wednesday night debating practice sessions at Usyd. One of these times was to get the free gozleme. The other time my friends Will, Maria and I were on the affirmative in a debate about how the government should hire journalists or something. So we created a model involving a reality TV show with Matt Preston, Justice Kirby and the Pope as judges. The other side hated us and proceeded to destroy our piss-weak argument. The end. That’s my whole experience with Usyd debating.

3. “I love teaching”.

I hate teaching.

But you know what? I think that I’ll be a good debating coach, because I love to argue and I love my school and by extension any girl who goes there. I think debating is really important for young people in developing their confidence and their analytical skills. I wouldn’t have gotten the job if I hadn’t embellished a little. Well done me. Well done lying.

Some top-notch lies to tell around campus are:

"i can't sign your petition! I'm late for a tute!"
“I can’t sign your petition! I’m late for a tute!”

“I got into Harvard but I chose not to go”.

“I totally haven’t even studied for the test, I’m so screwed” (when you’ve studied for a month).

And to future employers?

“I am a count”.

“I thrive in stressful environments and enjoy hierarchy”.

Bam. Job received.

Whaddayathink?

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