Stuff Eastern Suburbs People Like

I was re-watching Looking For Alibrandi the other day (a great film about the struggles of wealth, ethnicity and teen suicide set to a tear-inducing soundtrack of U2 and Australian rock). Once again, I was struck by the protagonist Josie’s perceptive and cynical asides. And those of her slutty friend Sera. And despite being a dramatized version of reality, I felt that Sera pretty much got this right:

“Listen, the poor marry the poor, the wogs marry the wogs, the westies marry the westies and the north shore marry the north shore. And sometimes they marry and crossbreed with the eastern suburbs”.

 

Except for the bit about people from the eastern suburbs deigning to intermarry with those of the North Shore variety. This is highly uncommon simply because eastern suburbites share a very specific collection of idiosyncrasies, incompatible with the population of any other postcode. Perhaps a Vaucluse chick might date a Hunters Hill guy for a while, but only if he’s caught the school bus across to Scots all his life thus allowing his thorough indoctrination into the ways of the East. However, osmosis can only go so far. She’ll probably break up with him soon so she can free herself up for the banker’s son who lives down the street from her. After all, their parents play tennis together.

For your voyeuristic benefit, my m8 Mads and I have compiled a list of stuff eastern suburbs people like. This way you can spot them if you ever see them past the CBD and you can redirect them home. Feel free to hit up the comments if you think of anything we’ve missed.

Screen Shot 2013-08-03 at 9.45.51 PM
Who are these people?

Pretending to like Indie Musicians
This is a classic. Being from the eastern suburbs requires a careful balance of letting people know you are rich by the clothes you wear and the gym you go to, but also of keeping in touch with what is ‘rad’ and ‘trendy’ among the real impoverished hipsters. This way you can pay ridiculous amounts for clothes that make you look like an artistic type living off the busking earnings of your folk band, with the comfortable knowledge that they come from Tuchuzy and have never been infected by the grime of an inner-west share house. Along the same lines, you go to Splendour because it is the done thing, not because you like or know the musicians. While there you say things like “I love Chet Faker, they are so good” and “It’s so cute that that Mumford guy started a band with his sons”.

Faux-Generously Bringing Good Wine to Friend’s Houses For Dinner When It’s Actually From Your Parent’s Wine Cellar
Why go to a bottle shop when you’ve got access to the best of every grape in your very own house?

fashion-girl-glasses-pizza-rumi-Favim
Taking Selfies Eating Boyfriend’s Food
Clearly, girls from the Eastern suburbs do not eat. If they ate, they couldn’t wear Bec and Bridge body-con dresses with the aplomb that they do today. What would a night at The Bucket List be were it not full to the brim with balayage-locked heiresses donning midriff tops and drinking vodka sodas? Luckily though, canny eastern suburbs chicks have come to the realization that they can make other girls more jealous by pretending that they eat crap and still have the body of a pre-pubescent. So comes the ‘boyfriend’s food selfie’, whereby skinny girls who have ordered the side salad take a photo of themselves biting a slice of their male counterpart’s pizza and then post it on Instagram with the caption ‘OMG, so full #carbloading #screwdiets’. Eating disorder successfully hidden: mission accomplished.

The Bondi to Bronte Walk
On a Sunday morning after brunch at Bill’s. Fluoro Lulu Lemon sports tops and Skins are a must.

Boat People
I don’t mean to say that Eastern suburbs people all have a fondness for refugees who will now be shipped off to live in a tent in PNG where they will likely be sexually assaulted and will then have no recourse to justice because PNG is a developing country with a corrupt legal system (check out this for more reasons why Krudd’s policy sucks). No, what I mean is that eastern suburbs people love people who own boats, yachts, cruisers and fun sea equipment. It’s a common practice to choose friends based on the boat-ownership status of their parents. As an unnamed friend of mine commented this morning, “I really feel I’ve failed in making friends because none of my friends have boats… I need friends with boats”. Were wiser words ever spoken?

A low-Qauy Sweet 16!! #familyfun! #nothingfancy!
A low-Qauy Sweet 16!!
#familyfun! #nothingfancy!

 
Low-Quay Family Dinners
It’s not enough to suggest the local Chinese place for dinner with the rents. Clearly. A conversation you are more likely to hear in Bellevue Hill is this:
“Yeah of course you should come, it’s just our weekly family dinner, friends can come, not a big deal”.
“Awesome, where should I meet you?”
“Icebergs”.

Hating on Kevin Rudd With No Political Knowledge
Clearly eastern suburbs people don’t read the paper, because who has time for that when Elle looks so shiny and new? However, they also know that it’s good to show some political indignation from time to time, to make out that their private school education garnered them some interest in the exercise of their sovereignty. So from time to time they will randomly mutter things like “Bloody Rudd” and “NSW State Politics is such a joke”.

Being Prudish
It’s one thing to watch steamy art-house cinema. It’s another to actually perform the deeds shown on screen in real life. One eastern suburbs friend retorted, in response to an accusation that she was averse to the kinky side of life, “I can be, you know…” (She was so unkinky that she couldn’t muster up the kinkiness to say the word ‘kinky’).

Not Understanding the Gonski Reforms so getting your Dad to Invite Mr Gonski Over For Dinner
Because they are golf buddies at Royal Sydney. The same principle follows in all other walks of life. Got a medicine assignment that’s proving a brain-twister? Ask your Mum. Because she’s the head of Brain Surgery at Prince of Wales.

Screen Shot 2013-08-03 at 9.55.17 PM
Bassike
For basics. Starting at $295 for an oversized t-shirt.

Things that are Bespoke, Organic and Hand-crafted
Think monogrammed luggage, eggs from Sean Moran’s mini-farm and smoked Tasmanian duck with a side of Hunter Valley celeriac puree and lime vinaigrette sourced from ‘our neighbour’s’ vegie co-op in Surry Hills.
 

Stevia
Like sugar, but without sugar.

Disclaimer: This is satire. Please keep this in mind when deciding whether or not to send hate mail.

75 Replies to “Stuff Eastern Suburbs People Like”

  1. omg. The intermarrying bit! my mother actually referred to my relationship as ‘cross cultural’ because he is North shore

  2. As a man who tried to bridge the gap that other men tried to bridge by building a bridge I found this to be a deeply penetrative and pertinent article. This pale boy who finished school on the North Shore years ago, who tried to cling close to a tanned babe from Bondi, will never again attempt to defy the natural order. There are stories I could tell but you have have already told them. Needless to say nothing ever made sense, ever. Bless.

      1. Thank you, Ms Ass, but there’s so much in this world I’d give to edit out that superfluous ‘have’. It’s making my anal quite retentive.

        I shared your work with others on F’book and they be digging. I look forward to more. Later.

  3. Ha very true. Could easily reverse the politics to people from the inner city hate on Abbott because its the done thing.

  4. So who is this E.Subs boy who broke your heart and left you for an E.Subs gal?
    Such a waste of mild-writing talent that you actually do possess and could use more constructively, other than your ‘Dear Diary’ butt-hurt blog here.

      1. cheers, bitchIW. (i think it works)
        and just to satiate your curiosity about my romantic life, bitchES: i am from the eastern suburbs and currently dating a girl, so no, no eastern suburbs boy has ever broken my heart by dumping me because i am from the north shore.

      2. Well if we’d only known you were from the E.Subs from the get-go. …that changes everything innit.

        Not redundant your piece then? A tad.

        No curiosity about your love/sex-life/orientation at all.

        In fact, minimal curiosity in the 22-year old angsty pieces really. Let’s talk when you hit the other side of 30s, or the writing skills/content gets there. As I said, potential yes – content right now, no.

  5. Well moved out of Bondi after 7yrs and so glad to finally be out!!
    Where did I move to?
    Double Bay! Just realised I’m still in the east :0

  6. Mmmmm…. Is Bondi really considered the eastern suburbs?? The eastern suburbs starts in darling point and ends in Bellevue Hill as far as I am concerned.

      1. Haha have you bought a home at Bondi Beach lately? Mine was more expensive than homes in Vaucluse… Bondi Junction is the ghetto of the eastern suburbs but it’s still the east…!

      2. Shit eastern suburbs people say

        “Bondi Junction is the ghetto of the east”

        Yeah that new Pottery Barn is rough, don’t go round there in the wrong colors.

  7. why be interested in politics when all the politicians are depressing hopeless egomaniacal fucktards. so ugly and gross too no fashion sense.

  8. Moved out of the ghetto to have kids. never regretted it for a single minute. There are more things in life than designer labels, real estate and .. real estate and .. real estate.

  9. Flying over Sydney’s Eastern burbs the other day (back home to Brissie, which doesn’t even figure in this equation), I thought how sad it is that people spend their whole lives trying to get a little box close to some water. Surely there’s more to life.

    1. Because there is nothing like waking up for an early morning swim in the cool, crisp ocean before all the blow-ins arrive.

  10. Its not U2 in looking for alibrandi its a dodgy cover, so youre obviously one of those people at splendour watching mumford and his sons..

  11. this is the best thing I have read all day. people really need to get out of their stupid eastern bubble and stop being such complete wankers, sadly i know too many of them.

  12. Who cares what stuff eastern suburbs people like? Eastern suburbs people. This derivative self-reflection is ornamented masturbation.

  13. love it! have you ever met someone from the Jewish eastern suburbs community?… now that’s a true eastern suburbs experience of the best kind.

  14. You are only at the tip of the iceberg here. Lets go deeper.

    Beats Headphone – with your banker uniform? Why?

    Sitting on the Hill in North Bondi – thats not the beach.

    Coke – you are seriously just buying paint thinner guys, move to columbia or give up.

    Moving to NYC to work in a start up – that your parents are funding

    Loving NYC for the friendly people – come back home, still act like a cunt.

    The London – constantly worst pub in Sydney but always packed.

    Paddington in general – its freezing and cold, you live in poor people houses, move.

    The Flinders – will you actually just talk to each other and stop posing with your snap cap for a minute.

    Rugby players in short shorts and loafers – Homos

    Scooters – just stop it please

    Gyms – not talking to people and just pumping, so east.

    See you on the 333

  15. Have to say truly insightful words !!
    But your missing a couple of key facts…..
    Pretending you have never had sex…. then going out of a two day bender and having sex for a line of coke…
    Never paying for drugs or drinks…. pretend to flirt with every loser guy over 30 (yes they go out all the time and all have kids) get a free drink and bring back his bag after emptying half of it into your ciggie packet.

    Just to name two key points…..

    1. Ha

      You must be hanging out at the Corner House or Ravesis, those places have more coke sluts than your average rap video .

  16. You know what….I’ve lived in Bondi for 10 years now (moved here before it was cool) and everyone down here is just as insecure as the next person, we are all just trying to fit in and be liked/accepted regardless of our muscle tone (or in my case lack there-of!).

    We all may come across as being uber popular/uber cool but we are all dags/nerds/”Glee lovers” under the surface, the people that make Bondi look plastic, fake etc etc are just as worried about what everyone thinks of them as the next person.

    Don’t hate on them, meet them and yes they may be different to you, but if you fall over in the street I guarantee 99.9% of people down here will jump to your aid straight away and help you up.

    Anyway, gotta run and grab my Kale salad and coconut water before my Bikram class….:)

    “If you run or swim every morning-you’ll never have a bad day.”-Me, just now 2013.

  17. Being a young lad from Canberra, labor bread, ill educated, poorly kept and uncultured, I found this to accurately depict my impression of eastern suburb chicks when I moved to Vaucluse for a year. Keep up the good work.

  18. The highest intellects and the highest earners live in the eastern suburbs, usually through hard work and not having time for wankers who spend their time considering my lifestyle and coveting what I have….

    Knock it as much as you like but we are actually banging the ‘pre-pubescent’ girl, driving the boat and eating at icebergs….. oh and the overseas trips, the sports car and the range rover and the meeting of other successful and equally happy and beautiful people.

    I hope you one day have something that brings you to the envy of others……

    1. A little insecure buddy. Living off the fams cash maybe? I live the same lifestyle as you and have lived my whole life in the east, and I still had a good laugh at this articel. Maybe thats because I do something with my life and don’t need to prove anything by “banging pre-pubescent girls or driving boats. You sound sad and angry, and yet you are so privileged. Maybe you need to spend some time in the real world for a little. ;(

  19. I liked the article over all. LOL worthy.
    Unfortunately disappointed with the miss quote from “Looking for Alibrandi “.
    It wasn’t Josie who said that, it was her fake blonde friend who liked to second base with her fully sick boyfriend on the way to school.
    It leaves you with a poor appreciation for such witty comments when you epic fail in the opening paragraphs…

    1. #notjoking #loveiceberg #hinthint #coconutwater #kalesalad #easternsubs #teentannedblonde #bondibabe #oopsnotonig

    2. love heart symbol, thank you so much for your comment. silly drunk me got the characters mixed up. i’ve edited the piece so slutty sera doesn’t lose any well-deserved credit. i appreciate the tip – all hail you!

  20. Totes love every aspect of this masterpeice because it seems like the cool thing to do. @look at you!… Lets catch up for a drink, do you own the boat or just drive it?

  21. ” but also of keeping in touch with what is ‘rad’ and ‘trendy’ among the real impoverished hipsters.”

    real impoverished hipsters….I lol’d. Then thought I totally fucking missed the part where I should have stopped reading.

  22. A lot of truth there. One must pity the squinters. In fact one must pity those that have to go to work at all. Vaucluse is the spot. On top of hill over looking the people that make up the outer suburbs such as Rushcutters Bay. Those on the other side of the moat such as Mosman and Manly. My preference is to be blinded by the sun rising each morning as it shimmers off the Tasman Sea, rather than block it out with my sun visor as I make the long journey to work. Wouldnt have it any other way!

  23. You are obviously someone from eastern suburbs yourself who hasn’t got much to do besides be a smart ass. There’s heaps of people who fit your description but all through Sydney and a large majority are not from the east. The “things that they like” aren’t really that bad if you had them you’d be loving life to … You prob do have some but you just like to complain and make points that’s why you have a blog

  24. I live in the Bermuda triangle of Sydney, the St.George area. We are so insignificant no one’s even bothered to stereotype us.

  25. RE: Your snide side-comment at Rudd’s boat policy – Did it occur to you people that boat-people had been off the radar for years, and only now because of Abbott’s negative PR campaign, is it an issue again, requiring some form of “policy” or “action”?

    The Liberal party has just sold out to Murdoch, who want to kill off threats to his ancient business models, and leave Australia in the dark ages. Leaving people like me, who pay $230/mth for an internet connection, unable to connect after moving to within 300m from an exchange in the Sydney CBD.

    Does Tony actually have a better plan for refugee processing that’s particularly different to any other policy we’ve had in the past? Is any of the Liberal policy based on what’s good for Australia’s future, not the rich 1% and their buddies?

    Wake up Australia, it’ll be sad to see the Liberals get in this year, based entirely on a smear campaign, not actual talent, intellect, or policy

  26. Let us not forget the fact that most of us are incapable of driving anywhere beyond Bondi Junction! Hilarious blog. You nailed my family in a nutshell with the Stevia and family dinner haha

  27. I moved to the Eastern Suburbs seven years ago – you’ve nailed it! Oh, but people here don’t like to go too far west, like Surry Hills or Newtown. It’s a day trip.

  28. 100% Accurate.
    Another:
    – Eastern suburbs uni students: ‘Let’s go out… i’m a really poor uni student atm… we should probably go to Mrs Sippy’

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