Why Don’t You… Avoid Clubbing At All Costs?

I don’t really understand clubbing. If you think about it objectively as a human phenomenon, it’s just very strange. Whole cohorts of people voluntarily elect to place themselves within a small and sweaty environment, in which loud bass music throbs in their ears and seedy strangers try to arse-grope them. Think about your average club. There are going to be bouncers. Next to these bouncers will be a pile of collapsed/stumbling/shivering underage girls wearing imitation Herve Leger bandage dresses, fake tan, chunky dominatrix heels, straightened hair and eye makeup to rival Taylor Momsen. They probably came to the club on a party bus.

Me and my new m8s out clubbing in Manly who had just partaken in a 'mime as many sex positions as you can in a minute' competition
Me and my new m8s out clubbing in Manly who had just partaken in a ‘mime as many sex positions as you can in a minute’ competition

First, the bouncer has to cleverly ascertain that you are in fact over eighteen. The techniques that bouncers use to check this strain credulity. Because they are stupid. A common way to achieve such a deduction is to ask you what star sign you are. Because if you know the star sign of the date of birth on your ID, it is clearly yours. One time a very astute bouncer tried to trip me up on using a fakie (and fair enough, because I was using the driver’s license of a twenty two year old Latino chick when I was actually a seventeen year old white girl). This is how it went:

“What is your date of birth?”

“27th of April”

And then, with a glint in his eye as if he had thought of the question that would be my undoing, he further questioned, “Oh yeah?… What year?”

As if I wouldn’t have bothered to memorize the year that my alias was born in if I had memorized the day and month. Silly bastard.

Anyway. Once you get into the club, you are confronted by a very off-putting sight. All around you, there are groups of bodies and limbs and cellulitey bums hanging out of dresses. They gyrate and grind and make eyes at one another, and at you. You are afraid. They are animals. The only way to survive will be to buy an overpriced drink from the bar, at which you will have to queue for twenty minutes to get served, all the while being elbowed in the face by tall, fat guys. Twelve dollars later and vodka soda in hand, you navigate your way back to your friends. Your shoes stick to the floor (you have sensibly worn flat boots) and you are wolf-whistled at. You try and make conversation but the music is too loud. It pulsates through your head at a pace only pingers could allow you to endure.

sexc
sexc

A man asks you to the dance floor, where he proceeds to whisper sweet nothings (“I run my own car dealership, baby”) in your ear. You allow him to buy you drinks for a while because this necessitates his intermittent removal from your presence. Your friends are hooking up with some random bunch of German backpackers and you are bored, bored, bored. You try and move your body sexily to the beat, but you end up looking like Liz Lemon impersonating Tracy Jordan. You wish you were at home watching the new season of Suits with a bag of granola in your hand. Finally, at 1:30, you sneak out of the club without saying goodbye to your friends, as they will beg you not to go or drunkenly say goodbye to you for half an hour while screaming how much they will miss you.

This is clubbing. And the cab ride home will cost fifty dollars because all the buses have stopped running. Fucking Cityrail. Work it out, Gladys Berejiklian.

So why don’t you… accept that you are an old person at heart, put on your Bonds tracksuit pants, order Thai food and never, ever leave the house?

Why Don’t You… Learn Life Lessons From TV1?

So I’m actually a massive TV1 fan. For those of you who don’t have Foxtel, TVI is the daggy channel. Not daggy in an ‘oh it’s oh so retro’ kind of way. Daggy in the mold of your Great Aunt Mildred who thinks her imitation-wood countertop is the hippest thing since sliced bread. Basically TV1’s sole purpose in life is to air reruns of old British and American sitcoms, producing absolutely no original content whatsoever. And bless it. It’s a rare thing when modern television can unite you with older generations over a shared love of watching nuclear families and talking cats, but this is what TV1 has done for me.

ily patriarchy
ily patriarchy

I Dream of Jeannie

I used to get home every afternoon from school at about four thirty. (Not that I did anything fun, social or mildly rebellious after school, but because my school bus came late and I wasn’t game enough to attempt to catch public transport). If I ever got home a few minutes early, I would catch the end of I Dream of Jeannie. This is a 1960s American sitcom, the plot of which revolves around 2, 000 year old Jeannie, who is actually – surprise, surprise – a genie (you know, a hot blonde chick who wears Bollywood-style clothes and can grant wishes). Jeannie ends up with suburban businessman Larry as her Master. Because women cannot make their own decisions and it is only right that they direct their talents towards improving the lives of men. As Larry’s personal slave, Jeannie must obey all of his commands. Naturally, she falls in love with him. Why wouldn’t you fall in love with the man who controls everything you do and affords you no personal autonomy whatsoever? The show then follows the hijinks they get up to and basically every episode sees Jeannie stuffing up in some way and then having to win back the affection of her Master.

Lesson learnt?

Women are incompetent. It is only right that they submit to male domination and criticize themselves when they do not complete the tasks set for them up to scratch. In other words, you must cook your husband’s dinner and if you happen to burn his potatoes, you should hit yourself over the head with the fry pan. Idiot.


Bewitching
Bewitching

Bewitched

At five o’clock, Bewitched would grace my television screen. A slightly different premise, but a thoroughly more enjoyable viewing experience. Bewitched actually came before I Dream of Jeannie, so it is interesting to note that TV1 did not show its programs chronologically. What motive could have informed this radical decision? Curious, very curious. Anyhoo it’s about a hot witch named Samantha who casts spells by twitching her nose in a weird way (if you want to try this at home, have a go at just wiggling your lips about, and this usually produces some solid nose movement akin to the protagonist’s). Sam marries mortal man Darren, and together they attempt to live an ordinary life as he goes off to work and she brings up little Tabitha at home. Of course, women are stupid and silly, so Sam screws up a lot of householdy chores. Whenever she tries to help Darren at work using her sorcery, she causes lots of damage and merits significant reprimand from her other half. But the best character in the whole show is Sam’s crazy witch mother, Endora. Endora sees Darren for the stupid gittish mortal he really is. She adds a sneaky feminist edge by bagging out everything that Darren says and does. She also wears awesome sparkly caftans, kind of like a precursor to Joan Collins.

Lessons Learnt?

1.     Wear caftans. They are comfortable and fabulous.

2.     Try not to marry a mortal man, as they are pretty senseless and will make you name your daughter Tabitha.

When I remember I have food in my bag
When I remember I have food in my bag

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Now TV1’s order of shows makes perfect sense. Because whatever programs are shown before this baby will all pale in comparison. Sabrina was the essence of my childhood idolatry. Sabrina is just an ordinary teenage girl who goes to high school and has a massive crush on Harvey, the dumb but well-meaning hottie. Except that Sabrina has a secret… she is a teenage witch! OMG. She wears awesome red leather pants in the opening sequence, is the perfect poster girl for 1990s cool, she makes mistakes but learns from every one and did I mention she has a talking cat called Salem? Salem is the best example of dodgy pre-CGI television effects. He is like literally a stuffed cat whose mouth is made to move wide and shut arbitrarily when a weird man’s voiceover comes on purporting to belong to the animal. Funny shit. Sabrina’s father is a warlock who talks to her from inside a book, and her mum is a mortal who is strangely on a dig in Peru for two conveniently placed years. If Sabrina ever sees her mother, she will turn into a ball of wax. This is just the beginning of the wackiness. You have to watch this show.

Lessons learnt?

1.     Girl power and belief in yourself are stronger than any magic!

2.     Zelda and Hilda are awesome names

3.     Life would be better if it was still the nineties

Why Don’t You… Think About Fat?

Phat oil brush!
Phat oil brush!

PHAT LIFE

How to win at life while being slightly overweight, but not bothered to go on a diet

Get up in the morning and your jeans are a bit tight. “That’s fine”, you rationalize. “I love curves. They make me feel real”. You spout to yourself the same garbled ‘body love’ crap you’ve been reading for years, and it almost makes you feel comfortable with your muffin top. Almost.

Because the thing is, society doesn’t like your muffin top, no matter how much Dove tells you to embrace your double chin because it’s really not that doubley (but if it were that doubley, you would definitely not be considered attractive: for more normative but self-contradictory body-image talk, see here). Society thinks your muffin top is unsightly, and that’s why people pull faces when you wear low-rise jeans. As a global community, we are scared by fat. Perturbed by it. We don’t quite know how to react to someone who wears a midriff top but doesn’t have a flat stomach. Manners tell us we should praise their confidence; instinct tells us to recoil.

And what of—gasp—the real fatties? The people who have to shop at overpriced clothing stores that describe their garments’ colour as, “slimming black”? We hate them too, don’t we? When we see Rebel Wilson, we laugh along with her fat jokes. ‘She gets it!’ we think. ‘She knows that it is all ironic and we actually think she is great!’ And yet… there is something deeply unsettling about the source of all Wilson’s humour being the size of her belly. We laugh so heartily because there is a part of us that really is disgusted by her girth. It’s like art critics who only credit female artists who make art about their femaleness: shouldn’t they be able to create works not as women, but as humans? Shouldn’t Wilson be able to make us laugh without making herself the joke? Wilson has recently created a fashion line called Fat Mandi. The range features oversized tees and leggings (the only things that fat people can wear, obviously). Many pieces are adorned with pictures of cupcakes and other high calorie assortments. Basically Wilson is encouraging people to treat her body as a gag. She is marginalizing herself and trivializing society’s predisposition to ‘fat shame’. I’m not saying I didn’t cack myself whenever Fat Amy came onto the screen in Pitch Perfect. It was pretty fucking funny. But I am saying that labeling your website ‘NOT FOR SKINNY BITCHES’ perhaps goes beyond the realm of shock-tastic humour, and into the realm of self-defeating crassness. Labeling people based on weight is never cool, no matter what side of the spectrum you come from.

So, society is scared of your curves, even if everyone hides it under euphemisms and using token plus-size models. Only just being okay with your fat body under the pretense of ‘everyone appreciates that I am more than my cottage cheese thighs’ is not enough. You will still doubt your social skills and whether people are actually interested in what you have to say. You will discount your own opinions, because being overweight you are obviously less of a valid person than someone who is thin. The thing is, fuck them.

Slightly overweight and mega-fat people will only win at life when they decide that whatever the rationale of teen magazines and polite society is for condoning the chubbies is irrelevant. We must own our bigger-ness not as part of some politically-correct rationale, but because it is how we feel, individually. We are more than our plump bum. We are overweight and what of it? Bite me. There’s plenty to go round.

As a bit of a fleshy one myself, my transcendent, life-changing moment came when I was drunk. I was having such a rad time living in the moment and being completely un-self-conscious by Kings Cross fountain. My hot, skinny male and female friends surrounded me, and in that moment there was a shared acknowledgment of personhood. No one cared that my arms didn’t curve in or that my face melds into my neck a bit when I laugh. I certainly didn’t. And I thought: why don’t I just transfer this attitude to all the time? It was that easy. Like sure, I have fat days. Where nothing looks good and I wear a sack to work under the guise of being avant-avant-garde. But they are just that. Fat days. Even though I can’t wear body-con, I refuse to live a fat life. Unless you mean a PHAT life. That I can do just fine.

 

Previously published on yeahnah.tv 

Why Don’t You… Lie On Your Resume?

And I don’t just mean on your actual resume, although that is a good idea too. I’m talking about embellishing your list of credentials generally. We live in a world where lying is considered ‘bad’. Let’s reconsider this. A little bit of white lying never hurt anyone, but it did help lots of individuals get better jobs, more money and more respect, albeit based on false premises.

When I get away with embellishing my resume

Recently I was hired as a debating coach. I’m not sure if you know about debating coaching, but it is a profession that is exorbitantly overpaid. Basically it’s a job that private school kids get when they are at uni so that they feel less guilty when taxi drivers driving them home to Vaucluse ask whether they work or not. Now I have joined them. The difference between me and most of these other coaches, though, is not our social background (for yes, I too went to a private school- surprise, surprise), but the fact that they are all actually good at debating, whereas I am pretty shit.

When someone says that lying simply to get stuff is morally wrong
When someone says that lying simply to get stuff is morally wrong

I was good at debating in Year Eight. A real talent, they called me. A kid with a lot of potential. Year Eight was the apex of that potential and it’s realisation. So when I got a call from the debating coordinator at my school, asking what experience I had in debating, I told her I had plenty. For example, I said:

1. “I won the Independent Schools’ Debating Association competition as third speaker”.

The truth? I did win. In Year Eight.

2. “I have debated in numerous debating competitions in my time at Sydney Uni”.

In reality? I have been to two Wednesday night debating practice sessions at Usyd. One of these times was to get the free gozleme. The other time my friends Will, Maria and I were on the affirmative in a debate about how the government should hire journalists or something. So we created a model involving a reality TV show with Matt Preston, Justice Kirby and the Pope as judges. The other side hated us and proceeded to destroy our piss-weak argument. The end. That’s my whole experience with Usyd debating.

3. “I love teaching”.

I hate teaching.

But you know what? I think that I’ll be a good debating coach, because I love to argue and I love my school and by extension any girl who goes there. I think debating is really important for young people in developing their confidence and their analytical skills. I wouldn’t have gotten the job if I hadn’t embellished a little. Well done me. Well done lying.

Some top-notch lies to tell around campus are:

"i can't sign your petition! I'm late for a tute!"
“I can’t sign your petition! I’m late for a tute!”

“I got into Harvard but I chose not to go”.

“I totally haven’t even studied for the test, I’m so screwed” (when you’ve studied for a month).

And to future employers?

“I am a count”.

“I thrive in stressful environments and enjoy hierarchy”.

Bam. Job received.

Why Don’t You… Go To Bermagui?

As I check my Facebook newsfeed (to see if Roger Federer has commented on one of my many comments on his official fan page), I am inundated not with Rogerisms, but with pictures of all my friends having a blast in Europe. Or skiing. Apparently that is what Sydney University students do when they reach the July holidays. Europe is like a siren call that wills them to return to it without the vexatious hindrance of Mum and Dad on their yearly Family Trip. And if they haven’t got their shit together enough to organise Europe, students hastily get in a car and go to a lodge at Thredbo or Perisher to ski and post updates about being ‘snow bunnies 4 lyf!’

My question is this: why go to Europe or to the snow when you could go to… Bermagui?!

Only a five and a half hour drive from Sydney CBD, this little coastal town boasts all the modern accoutrements of city living without the hustle and bustle and stress! And on the way you get to learn things about life in the south coast and rural NSW! And you don’t ever have to take off your ugg boots!

ugg boots = synonymous w South Coast cool
ugg boots = synonymous w South Coast cool

‘Where do country people buy their groceries?’ you ask.

At Woolworths, Coles, IGA and Spar! They are not so dissimilar from us, except that their supermarket branches stock less brands of organic muesli and Yalla chocolate mousse. But it’s okay, fellow Sydneysiders! Just stock up on your Carmen’s untoasted variety before you leave, and bring it with you. There is no quarantine check when entering the South Coast!

‘Will the road trip be fun? What should I expect to be entertained by on the way there?’ you sagely question.

The road trip to Bermagui is half the excitement! Firstly, you get to see parts of Sydney you’ve never seen before, like Gymea and Engadine and Waterfall (that place that the train goes to but you’re sure it only exists in the realm of train announcements, not in real life). You also get to see lots of local businesses with funny names, like Silly Willy’s discount store in Moruya.

"Silly Willy's is a great name  for a shop" Said everyone ever.
“Silly Willy’s is a great name for a shop”
Said everyone ever.

And lots of interesting food emporiums that can only be found on the south coast due to their use of local produce.

 IMG_6421

I also highly recommend the Berry Sourdough Bakery for some cheeky tarts and Miton’s vegetarian café Pilgrims, where the burgers are so good you are almost fooled into thinking the patties are made from meat! Try them for delicious nutrition and bite size pieces of political correctness.

“What do I do when I get to Bermagui? Is there a high street that I can peruse?”

Another insightful inquiry! Yes, Bermagui does have a ‘high street’ chockablock with top notch ateliers (the surf shop), grain designers (Bazza’s Hot Bread), coffee bean enthusiasts (Corkie’s Coffee Lounge) and publication purveyors (Bermagui Newsagency). As you can tell, it is a very metropolitan town. And if you are missing your Delicious Magazine fix, the Gelati Clinic has two copies from 2009. (The Gelati Clinic is named as such because the shop used to be a Veterinary Clinic and the owners couldn’t be fucked to buy a new sign for ages, so they just wrote ‘Gelati’ on top of ‘Veterinary’). But seriously though, the gelato is amazing. Try the fior de latte and the banana, and if you bring in your own fruit they can make gelato with it especially for you.

#lazysignage
#lazysignage

Other awesome places of note?

The Blue Pool.

Named as such because it is in fact, a blue pool. Because the ocean is blue, and it is a pool. It is so beautiful, and only a few people have drowned there in the past few months.

 IMG_2453

Barragga Bay.

A gorgeous little beach accessible only by walking down a bush path at the end of Burrawong Place. Avoid the plebs and lie on the sand all by yourself, reading Beckett and thinking significantly about your own insignificance.

And finally, who needs Europe when you have the Bermagui Country Club?

The apex of Bermagui social life, this exclusive club (membership for twenty dollars a year) houses three tennis courts, a croquet court, a drinking lounge and a weekly trivia night! Try and beat the regulars by sneakily Googling answers on your iPhone, and run away before they have the chance to beat you up!

Best Country Club in the country. #alwayspacked
Best Country Club in the country. #alwayspacked

*Disclaimer
I actually love Bermagui. It’s my favourite place in Australia.  #grainofsalt