One night stands, we’ve all had them. (Except you, Sydney Uni Pentocostalists with the green shirts – no one doubts your chastity for a second!) The rest of us head to the Cross meat market on a Friday night to pick up our young hussy, and we head home for a night of drunken frivolity. Or maybe not the rest of us. Maybe just most of us. Perhaps hanging out with Jordan McVeigh and Matthew Cranley these past holidays has warped my view of the world. Matthew informed me this morning that one of his most memorable one night stand anecdotes is when he caught the chick he’d just rooted trying to do a runner, and upon further inquiry she revealed that she had “pissed the bed”. Charming. Regardless, one night stands are pretty omnipresent these days.
Contrary to traditional belief, it is not what the girl does before or during coitus that allows you to delve into the depths of her soul. It’s the morning after. In these shameful hours of sunlight (or darkness, depending how early your conquest scarpers off from your share house), the true character and motives of your almost-anonymous luvah are revealed. Here are a few types of babe and what her morning after tactics suggests about her and the probable longevity of your relationship.
The Girl Who Just Won’t Leave
Everyone’s bound to experience this at least once in his or her life. This girl was really cool last night, totally chill, told you that she just wanted a casual thing. You guys sipped mojitos and she let you feel her bum on the barstool. The sex was pretty good, if a bit fumbly. But now, the morning after, she Just. Won’t. Go. Whether this is because she is actually homeless, or because she is trying to force you into being in a relationship with her by literally always staying by your side, this one is a crazy. You hint that you have work and that your roommate hates strangers but she does not take the bait. Finally, you tell her to just wait outside for a sec while you get your car keys to drive her to the train station. And then you lock her out. Possible stalker successfully eliminated. (Thanks Cranley for the real life inspiration – you are a fountain of ONS wisdom).
The Girl Who Makes You Breakfast
This one is in for the long haul. Not as desperate as the former, but she’s still interested in being your wifey, and she’s letting you know damn well that she’s good at domestic chores. Phew, no awkward gender role switching, just patriarchy at its finest. She brings you pancakes in bed to let you know that she’s not the brazen floozy she made herself out to be last night, and even though you know perfectly well that you love the single life, you ask her on a date because your Mum’s in another city and your washing hasn’t been done since you moved in here. And look, I know you’re happy with your bachelorhood atm, but best to keep this lady on the backburner fellas, as she’ll be damn useful once you’ve turned thirty five and realise you’re completely alone. Oh wait, no she won’t. Because it will have dawned on her what a pig you are and she will have become a lesbian.
The Girl Who Sneaks Out In The Middle Of The Night
You wake up and your dream girl is gone. This is because you are not her dream man. She slept with you because other viable male options were limited last night and you bought her the most drinks. She was disappointed with your attempts at giving her love bites as they really hurt and if she wanted to be bitten by a wannabe vampire she’d go to a fetishist. She didn’t leave because there was an emergency, like she apologetically texted to you (if she even bothered to make semi-conciliatory contact after the event). She left because you weren’t that good in bed and you only talked to her about your dreams to emulate your Dad’s business success and that’s why he paid for you to get into Commerce/Law. Unless you become a different person, chances of a relationship are none to none. But on the bright side, you’ll probably find someone in Commerce/Law who is as boring and arrogant as you. Good luck!
- DAILY DRAMA: I can’t stop having one-night stands with customers (thesun.co.uk) LOL.